just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
