Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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