Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
