my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
