My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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