I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
