I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
