I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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