Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
