I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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