Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
