I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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