I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
