I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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