i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
