Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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