dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
