Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
