considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
