She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
