I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it was like eating out sand paper
The beers last night were like the tears from god
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
