I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
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