I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize