I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
