who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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