return my video game
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
