she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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