my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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