If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
