My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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