He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
