Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
