im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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