woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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