No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
