I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Everclear isn't food dammit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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