exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
