the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I am spending my child support on dildos
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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