Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
