He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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