She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
