I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
