Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
