Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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