i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
