Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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