i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
