Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
