I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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