If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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