I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
