Where is the hickey?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
