I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
