why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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