Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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