some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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