Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
