Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
