I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
